Although it’s very late, I would like to thank all of the friends, neighbors, complete strangers and felons who attended our end-of-the-year gala for all the joy they brought to our household. Since the list of invitees was lost to the fire during that party night, I am writing this open letter to all who attended our holiday soirée with the hope of getting some things straightened out without the need for, you know, litigation.

Jack K. has sent me a note that someone left the party with his coat and left a jacket in its place. The jacket does not fit Jack very well in size or attitude seeing that Jack is not a member of any kind of motorcycle club, angels notwith-

standing. Please call us if you have Jack’s coat.

Yes, the idea of putting all of the coats in one convenient spot is under review and as soon as the police apprehend the individual that systematically went through the pockets and purses left in the pile, we should be able to let you know if any valuables were recovered.

I also have noticed that I am not wearing my own pants. If anyone went home with a pair of dress black slacks instead of what appears to be black pants with fresh yellow paint applied in stripes… oh wait, I just noticed that these really are my pants; I just had them on backwards. That explains why I haven’t been able to get them off.

One of the guests brought a nice hostess gift that we would like to thank her for very much. It was a beautiful box of small hand soap scented like and appearing to be small chocolate bars. It would be fun to display the soaps in our bathroom. Unfortunately someone put the box out on the dessert table and we found it empty in the morning next to the chocolate brownie dish. Half eaten bars were still on plates around the room so please be aware that the soap is only minimally toxic. The nausea, vomiting and diarrhea should only be temporary.

If however you enjoyed more than one serving of the mushroom appetizer that some cad brought, it might be a good idea to seek professional advice if, say for example, you can’t get your pants off or you feel that you have attended the party every night of the week. There was only one party.

Please don’t worry as we are not too upset about the furniture that was broken up and fed into the woodstove. It certainly seemed funny at the time and, God knows, Chippendale bookcases are just not in style like they were 200 years ago.

In the future, we will require any fireworks brought by guests to be removed from the box and ignited individually. At the request of the town office and state troopers, we will require them to be pointed away from the house, the neighbors and the guests at any future events. Also, we will not allow fireworks to be thrown into the woodstove, no matter how amusing.

I would especially like to apologize to the guests who could not find their cars. The valet parking was certainly a good idea and many guests shared their enthusiasm for being able to pull up the icy driveway right to the front door. However the decision to park the cars out on the lake may not have been the most auspicious considering the last warm spell and how close the cars were parked to each other. It may be spring before an accurate determination can be made as to how many vehicles were involved.

The good news is that not all of the missing cars will have to wait until spring to be recovered. Some of the more expensive models were actually stolen. One has already been located at a “chop shop” that was raided last night in an adjacent state. That car will be returned to the owner as soon as the judicial authorities decide it can be released from their evidence lot. They also held out hope to recover the engine soon … and maybe the transmission.

I have to go, my pants are too tight, my head still hurts and I feel like the party is starting yet again. If this is any indication what 2017 is going to be like, we had all better buckle in and stock up on survival essentials. And, if anybody has the dog, I’ve got part of his collar.