Everyone, please stay calm. People tend to forget it’s coming but hang on to your hats and loosen your belts because the first Friday of June is, at last, National Doughnut Day.

Besides apple pie and dieting, what could be more American than doughnuts? Now wait a minute, I can already hear the groans of people muttering, “Isn’t November 5th National Doughnut Day?” Well, yes it is. You have to realize that, this being America, we have two National Doughnut Days annually.

With a nation this big, it’s really a wonder that the bureaucracy that deals with National Days didn’t inadvertently assign even more days to celebrate the doughnut. We’re lucky that they have only one day slated for the Fourth of July, however they do tend to keep better tabs on the more critical holidays when working people get the day off.

On the other hand, since doughnuts have been helping Americans get larger, their cultural importance has grown along with our waistlines to the point where maybe we need two National Doughnut Days. You would think one would be spelled National Donut Day but, no, the spelling is the same for both days. We have a National Pie Day (January 23) and a National Pi Day (March 14) but that’s something we should discuss on National Spelling Day (April 4). Soon I hope to discover we actually have a “National ‘National Day’ Day.”

Anyway, aside from the fact that they are slowly killing us, what is there not to like about doughnuts? Everything about them is delicious: the texture and variety, the aroma of frying dough, the instant satisfaction and ease of eating the sugar-cladded, fat-laden cake. Even the mathematical description of its shape is captivating. The idea that doughnuts could be killing us is a small price to pay in exchange for all of its glorious charms.

In truth, doughnuts aren’t really killing everyone, they’re just shortening the lives of some of us: those who shouldn’t be eating sweets; or fat; or processed carbohydrates. You know who you are. It is curious that our dietary restrictions just serve to heighten the anticipation of consuming the forbidden confection and elevate its perceived value.

But doughnuts aren’t supposed to be nutritious. Their best use is as a rare treat or a quick source of energy for those engaged in something like physically taxing, overtime emergency work or perhaps long-term endurance tasks like, I don’t know, maybe driving across the country, or commuting to work.

There apparently is little hope for making health-promoting doughnuts. A few years ago, in a desperate attempt to bring doughnuts into the realm of wholesome foods, my health-conscious daughter produced a batch of rye flour donuts. During our serious tasting session, we carefully evaluated the future with an eye on what would happen if rye doughnuts were to take hold in our society.

When the rye doughnuts jumped off the plate and viciously attacked us, we quickly decided to incinerate the recipe and the leftover samples from this possibly illegal experiment and never speak of it again. It took all the magic out of doughnuts, brought down the lowermost level of culinary experience by an order of magnitude and gave health foods a bad name, not to mention the bad taste in your mouth.

And yes I know, a few years ago I did run a series of columns about doughnuts and even reminded everyone about National Doughnut Day — but that was when I thought we had only one. If you remember, I did confess that I own a doughnut machine in a mobile booth that is taken to various events where we have produced up to 15 thousand doughnuts in one weekend.

And no, I am not part of America’s problem with fatty foods. I have a marginal, morally bankrupt rationalization for my defense: There are lots of people engaged in physically taxing, overtime emergency work and long-term endurance tasks like driving across the country who need a good number of doughnuts. I figure 15 thousand is a pretty good number.

And my contribution is but crumbs compared to the 10 billion doughnuts produced in the U.S. every year. Do the math: that’s 5 billion doughnuts for each National Doughnut Day. Divided by U.S. population, that’s only 15 doughnuts per person per National Doughnut Day.

That’s about right, if you’re driving across country. Or commuting to work. Enjoy.